Yesterday, i missed “”my”” guy and i wanted to tell him.
But i was soooo afraid.
That i would take him away the air to breathe.
That i say something to him, which he cannot handle, because it’s too much emotions for him.
That he would close after this, or run away.
You think i am joking? Well, it sounds a bit like a joke and i have to laugh by myself too.
But i had these guys. Only these ones.
I always had to be careful what to say or show. Because a little bit too much and they were running away.
But i couldn’t choose the other guys. The ones who wanted and were more open. Because then i was the one running away..
I am scared of real and raw relationships as hell.
And at the same time, there is nothing i want more.
My best friend made a very intesting observation.
She said, some days ago i was so quiet and peaceful, in the present. And then this guy came and now she feels some unrest and that i am more energetic.
I thought about it, without judgement or regret. And i felt that it’s true.
I am still afraid to feel rejection.
I am so afraid to demolish my huge strong wall around my heart.
To open up myself and give my commitment.
But i feel that this will be my ticket to freedom.
To the complete healing.
That i want to go through it, but this time with a huuuge amount of selflove and less neediness.
He doesn’t want or can’t?
That’s ok. Because this time, i am doing it for myself.